When the person you love is thriving — and that thriving requires something from them that costs you — how do you feel? If the honest answer contains any resentment, any sense of loss — the love is, at least partly, oriented toward how they make you feel rather than toward them.
The Narada Bhakti Sutras call this Sakama Bhakti — devotion with desire, love that contains an agenda. It is not condemned. It is identified as the starting point rather than the destination.
The destination the tradition points toward is Nishkama Prema — love without agenda, love that wants nothing except the flourishing of what is loved. The Bhagavata Purana's account of the Gopis is the paradigmatic example: when Krishna asks what he can give them in return, they are genuinely confused by the question. The love is not in exchange for anything.
The psychologist Erich Fromm made the same distinction in The Art of Loving — separating the immature love that says I love you because I need you from the mature love that says I need you because I love you. In the first, the love is produced by the need — functionally, the experience of need wearing the costume of love. In the second, the need arises from the love — the other's existence has become genuinely important independent of what they provide.
The diagnostic: notice how you feel about people when they disappoint you. The quality of feeling in those moments reveals, with precision, the proportion of the love that was about them versus the proportion that was about the experience of loving them.